Olivier Giroud’s Tragic Loss

Olivier Giroud’s Tragic Loss

I have really come to love our Olivier. He has a great heart matched by his appetite to play for the team. And I think he’s going to turn into something special. But my feeling has only grown deeper upon hearing how he has overcome tragedy in his youth, more so because I went through the same tragedy myself. Olivier recently gave an interview to l’Equipe in which he shared the story of how he lost his childhood sweetheart:
Giroud: “We were very young, Claudette and I. We were 16 and very much in love. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We spent all our time together. In school, after school, at the weekends. It was the sweetest time of my life. Until the accident. To find her there like that, lying beside me, all bloodied. It was awful. And to know it was at my own hands.”

“The events are painful to tell. When I found out that I was not the only person this had happened to, I had to speak out, to make everyone aware.”

“I had always suffered from large erections. One night as we lay in each others’ arms, we fell asleep. We had dined on seafood, Coquilles Saint Jacques, I believe, and my stomach was upset. As I dreamt, I was obviously perturbed. I twisted and turned throughout the night. As men often do, I experienced what doctors call a Nocturnal Penile Tumescence, or an erection while sleeping. Tragically while I twisted and turned, my long erect penis flailed back and forth, back and forth, again and again, with a violent whipping action, dashing my lover’s brains out on the pillow next to me, relentlessly, ceaselessly. It was harrowing to find her next to me like that, when I awoke after what turned out to be quite a good sleep. No one should have to go through this.”

Interviewed for this story, Claudette’s mother said simply: “We were very said to lose Claudette. But it’s how she would have wanted to go.”


Olivier was also fortunate to escape manslaughter charges. The prosection’s case floundered on the fact that the police were unable to locate a murder weapon. The perfect crime, you say? Well, for some of us.


The angular momentum of the penis as it struck Claudette’s cranium could be calculated as:


where r is the position vector of the head of Olivier’s penis, p is the linear momentum of the penis head, and × denotes the cross product. Dear God, the poor girl never stood a chance.

Believe me though, the real victim is the survivor left behind. It is a terrible way to lose a lover. I’ve lost two so far. Two and counting. Still, it’s probably not as painful for the survivor as, say, getting dumped. I’ve experienced both, and getting dumped is a real mother. But maybe that’s just me. I’m sensitive like that.

Anyway, spread the word. Tomorrow is Nocturnal Penile Tumescence Laceration Day worldwide.