The Spuds Get “Arsenalled” Again – By Monaco.

A Baleless and ultimately ball-less Spurs took on Monaco today. It seemed like it would be an enjoyable afternoon for Gunners when the Spuds went down 1-0, then 2-0, then 3-0. Then it was 3-1 which was less fun. But things picked right back up again when Monaco went ahead 4-1 and then 5-1.

Monaco had their way with the Spuds, smacking them around like a pimp smacks a ho who left him $5 short. And so, naturally, the assumption was that at 5-1 up they would push on to score 6 or 7 goals. But Monaco have maintained a strong connection to Wenger, and know all about “Tottenham Syndrome,” and so their coach sent out an instruction that shocked his players: “Let the Spuds score. Trust me. It will torment them.” Confused, the Monacans, Monacoans, the Monickers, the Monicas, passed the ball to the Spuds and let a bemused Spuddie jog down the field and run around the goalkeeper unchallenged. As the Spuddie turned around to celebrate with joyous hugs, he instead beheld the disbelieving looks on his team-mates’ faces. Oh the horror…

At 5-2 up, Spurs looked shell-shocked, as if by cannons, our cannons. The psychic damage this score inflicted on their perennially weak mental state started to tear at the fabric of their team. Andreash Viyash Boasch heard that tearing sound, as PTSD swept across the eleven men on the field, and then tore along the touchline to the substitute bench like a fuse line to a pile of dynamite sticks, 7 of them, and finally jumped the gap into the broadcasting lines to shoot into the homes of Spuds worldwide. From their fans living in Enfield, to their worldwide fan base – yes, both of them*- all of their supporters went catatonic. Viyash Boasch knew he needed to act quickly with only minutes left on the clock. He knew that their season could be stillborn if they carried that 5-2 score with them into the dressing rooms and home on the plane like a deadly swine virus that had mutated to jump species from Pig to Spud, happily leaving Homo Sapiens (i.e. you and me) beyond its reach, although Neanderthals might feel a little uneasy without further research.

And so Viyash Boasch, with only a few minutes left to fix this doomsday scenario which was currently standing at DEFCON 2 (the same level reached at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis when most of the world believed a nuclear war which would eradicate mankind from the face of the earth was imminent – just for comparison purposes) then counter-instructed his men to attack with full force and to stop defending. A goal either end was preferable to “getting Arsenalled.”

The Monaco coach responded by telling his team to defend without attacking. Viyash Boasch then instructed his team to attack its own goal. Monaco responded by defending both their own goal and the Spuds goal in a 5-0-5 formation.

ACarp Bears Witness

It took some quick thinking by Monaco to avoid the offside trap when defending the Spuds end but they pulled it off, until the ref finally blew the whistle with a dirge-like quality presaging the funereal march of the Spuds off the pitch, pall-bearers one and all, carrying the dead remains of their hopes and dreams for the 2013-14 season.

A mysterious, foreign gentleman, observing in the crowd, was particularly discouraged by the performance. In fact, this visiting Oligarch had come to assess a potential purchase of the club by his family. Sheikh Ali Wais in Ur Shaddah arose from his seat, silently, and shaking his head imperceptibly, made his way towards the exit. As he climbed into his limousine which awaited him, his brother asked him: “How bad was it, Ali?” The Sheikh replied “Very bad, little brother. In the words of the Prophet, there is no way to polish that turd.”

The End.

Note: * However shite a football team they have, The Spuds marketing team is highly advanced in analyzing the demographics of their worldwide fan base. Here is what they know about their fan base across the world: They are 100% male, and 100% between the ages of 13 and 37. Also, 50% of their fan base is in the United States – Union City, Iowa to be precise – and 50% in New Delhi. Also 50% of their worldwide fans are called Hank Bumgardener while the rest of their fans are called Ashish Naravati. No other football club understands its worldwide fan base more thoroughly than The Tottenham Hotspurs.