Behold Excalibur. For it is mighty.
Right. Well that was a fucking awesome game. Tactically we were superb in that we won. And we changed some shit tactically which always looks cool when other teams do it and which coincided with us not playing shit anymore but playing better than them. So it was a brilliant tactical change. That’s how I measure tactical changes. I’d give it a 19.3 xTC.
My blog is back. It’s been away for a while. I’d lost my mojo blog-wise. And also I’ve been suffering from some erectile dysfunction. My xED has been running at about 0.49. Smack it off the TV and the fridge a couple of times and I might get it up to 0.75 xED but that’s about the tops. So as you can imagine, when you blog the way I do, that’s going to affect your work.
Anyway, I’m back. And IT is magnificent. Behold Excalibur.
Blogging feels so passé these days. I have been feeling like I needed to come up with something new. But what? What’s my gimmick? Where’s my USP?
Stats! That’s the thing with the Yutes these days. Stats are the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King. I can stat with the best of them. Believe you me.
Take this. I did. I nicked it from Scott Willis (@oh_that_crab) who is often on the Pod I’m on. Oh yeah, I’m on a pod. Anyway, I hear Scott is really good. I wouldn’t know cos I never listen to pods. Well, apart from Arsecast. A lot of people seem to like the pod I’m on. I’ve heard it’s very good. I haven’t personally listened to it for over a year now cos it’s excruciating listening to myself (I’m sure you know where I’m coming from) and when I’m not on it, well, did I mention that I don’t really listen to pods? The only time I listen to our pod is while I’m on it which is the part I enjoy anyway. Also, it keeps me off the pole.
Anyway, yeah, stats. So I like Scott’s passing value table a lot. It’s got Mesut on top with Hazard just behind which lends it a lot of credibility. Jack is 3rd which is great cos I like Jack and I thought he was mostly good. And Xhaka is basically right with him which is nice cause they play together now and they won’t fall out over this, like two peas in a pod, so it’s nice they get the same score pretty much.
Iwobi and Nacho come after Bakayoko. I think there might be a mistake there cos Nacho was great. Iwobi was really good except a few times where he was utter dogshit. but overall, yeah, he was good AGAIN.
Elneny is a little bit behind Jack and Xhaka which makes sense. Keeping the formation.
I like stats that agree with how I feel in my tummy.
Scott also did this one…
It’s cool. It gives you their average touch position. I will not patronize you by explaining it. But Elneny has a big circle. And Mesut, Granit, Mustafi and Nacho. The left side in general kept themselves busy. And Xhaka.
This one is good. I borrowed it from that @11tegen11 fella. It shows that we were better than Chelsea. Coincidentally we become better than Chelsea at the precise moment that we scored the second goal. Phew! That was good timing. And it makes perfect sense. And after that we got even better and Chelsea didn’t which is what I thought had happened. So this stat is good and he should keep doing these.
This one I also borrowed from 11Tegen11:
I’m glad we binned that Elneny tosser this window and replaced him with Elneny who has been a real find at DM. He’s only played two games for the club and yet magically fits in at DM and even drops into centerback between Koz and Mustafi to form a back 3 when needed – inflight. Uncanny. Sven and Raul have surpassed themselves.
But Mo. The Big Mo. Pulling the strings. What the fuck is going on. He’s making those podcast plonkers look like idiots, I’d imagine. Not me though. I’ve always backed him.
And Nacho. If I can borrow a phrase used to describe Elneny. What the fuck. He’s on fire. Like a girlfriend with a UTI. He’s a fucking demon.
And Laca’s got his groove on. Apparently all he needed was some people from his own team in the same half as him. I wonder why it took Wenger so long to try that.
And last but most. Mesut Fucking Ozil. He’s sex in a parked car and has been since pretty much the start of his season. Every fucking thing he does is sooo good.
I love Mesut. I loved tonight. I love Arsene. And I love you.
so good to have you writing again. you’re a class act. this one, well worth the wait, thanks pimp.
Brlliant!! Welcome back, missed you *******>>>>>>,,,,,,, 😘
A pleasent early morning read. Back to sleep now.
I love you too Poz!
I hope excaliber stays in good working order if it inspires you to write with such humour and accuracy. Your sources of information must be envious.
Welcome back!
Thank you, everyone!!
Hahahahahah my first time reading your blog and I have never had sex in a parked car is it good ?i imagine it to be rather pokey.
It is if you do it right.
Always smile when reading your posts….
The first of your missives that I have read for a few years. I had a wet op to fulfill and couldn’t make contact. And , to be frank, you’d gone off the boil.
This return shows promise. I appreciate the stats but I feel there could have been more diagrams with moving parts.
I trust that this was merely an oversight and will be rectified.
Overall; not bad. Shows promise.
*Rectumfied
who would have thought, having a DM with positional sense would make us better? But didn’t Arsene know this 10 years ago? Why has he forgotten recently? Is El Neny as good as Gilberto though? If not, why don’t we have someone as good as Gilberto? Begs the question. But I’m sure “if the quality is out there for Arsenal to buy then we will do it of course”