Outside a pub in London, 3 men meet in clandestinity.

These 3 men bestrode the footballing world like a Colossus, for they were, all three of them, #ITKs. Real, living, breathing ITKs. I know that they are true #ITKS because they told me so. They told you so. On twitter. And we should believe them because, well…they are #ITKs.

It would be more correct to say these three men bestrode the footballing world like three Colossuses, or even Colossi, but that loses some of the power of the expression. And there are too many legs. It makes for a visually confusing simile. (Note: If an expression uses the term “like,” that’s a giveaway that it’s a simile.)

Anyway, there they were, these three young men, busy bestriding the footballing world like a Colossus (see last paragraph) with one giant leg in the Bundesliga and the other in The Premier League. And you could only marvel in wonder at what they possessed between their legs – infinite knowledge.

Oh hang on a second. There was a third leg, because they needed another giant leg in La Liga. So, let’s recap: 3 giant legs – one each in La Liga, The Bundesliga and The Premier League – and between their legs, marvelous wonderment and knowledge.

More astounding than this was their youth. To be so wise, and yet so young. So young and yet so wise. Only divine whisperings could explain this incongruity.

But quiet now. Let us listen in on their conversation…

Right, well the reason I called us all together is to pool all our information as we get to “Crunch Time” for the season. The July 1st Transfer Window bonanza. The proverbial shit will be hitting the proverbial fan, lads. And we want to make sure we are riding that wave of shit like #ITK Shit-Surfers right till it crashes on Twitter Beach.

Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt you but I’ve got to ask you, Brian: What the fuck is that thing sitting in the middle of your forehead?

It is my third eye, my all seeing eye, it is my eye of knowledge.

Fuck off. It’s a pimple.

Yeah. It’s a giant puss-filled yellow acne spot. I think it’s ready to blow.

Well, yes. It could also be that as it only showed up 3 days ago, but I’m still hoping it might be the eye of knowledge. It would be nice to actually know something for once.


Sorry, lads! Broke the #ITK code there by accident. Ooops.

Right, let’s start with Arsenal. Who’s heard what? Reggie?

Well, I’ve heard Fellaini is in by Monday.

You have? I’ve got that he’s out.

Well…he was in before he’s out. On Tuesday.

Oh, OK. That matches. Kind of. Who’s the source?

My source? What do you mean. I don’t have a source. I just make shit…Oh I get you. Yeah, my source. It’s in the inner circle. In fact it’s above the inner circle.

Close to Gazidis?

Above Gazidis.

Close to Wenger then?

Above Wenger.

So, Kroenke then?

Below Kroenke.

But above Wenger?

Below Wenger.

But you just said he was above Wenger

He just got demoted in a reshuffle.

Oh. Ok. Mums the word. But solid info then. Good, good. Let’s go with that.

So…who’s got word on Rooney? Ashish?

Yeah, eh…I’ve got Rooney out.


Errr… that is before he’s back in again. Wednesday. Afternoon. 3pm. For a medical before he speaks to the club and negotiates personal terms.

Doesn’t the medical come at the end?

Eh, yeah. That’s right. That’s what I said.

No, actually, you said. Oh, never mind.

What about Higuain?

You mean “Eeeeguaaaahhyeeen.”

Yeah. Him.

Hey look, here comes Fairthorne.

Who invited that twat?

I did. We need someone old enough to order us some pints.

Oh, good one.

Hi Ben. How’s it going on M’Vila, mate. Still 99% done? (Giggles all around.)

Yeah, actually it’s 99.99278592993453029475638% done which is actually up 0.000004858476563636% from yesterday. We’re close. Very close.

And so, as these Colossi of the known football world, nay, Football Universe, sit down to carve up responsibilities for getting word to Goonerdom’s worldwide blind and ignorant masses who starve for good news to restore hope in their beloved team before a new season of torture commences…

The camera pans back from the scene to reveal that we have been watching a vision on the surface of waters of a magical, mystical cauldron. Around it, a Bodhisattva (or enlightened Buddha) and a Buddhist student discuss the happenings.

Master, the Buddha teaches that all life is suffering. But that there is an end to suffering. Why have you shown me these pimpled boys that called themselves #ITKs.

Because, my young friend, suffering has, as it’s seed, ignorance. But it is not ignorance in the sense of lack of knowledge or education. No. It is ignorance as “wrong knowledge,” “wrong view,” “false belief.” It is far more dangerous to think falsely that you know something than to know correctly that you do not know it. And it is this that brings you suffering. It is as if you look in a distorted mirror and struggle to see your life and existence as it really is. Suffering falls away as we let go of false knowledge, perception, belief.

Master, I struggle to understand why we aim to escape life and its cycle of rebirth.

My son, that is your attachment to life, and all its suffering. You must let go of all attachments by seeing them for what they really are.

Please tell me more, Master, for I am stuck on this point and can proceed no further in my search for enlightenment.

Do you know what a Spud is, my student?

Yes. These are the most unfortunate and wretched of all creatures: trapped in the endless cycle of rebirth, season after season, full of “wrong views” of their squad and their chances and their final place in the table, and condemned to repeat endlessly the cycle of rebirth in their next season and the next. And the next. And the next. And the next. They are the tortured devils who choose to live in the shadow of The Arsenal since their delusion is so heavy and so fatal?

You have learned well, my son.

Are they Gods or Devils?

They are Devils.

Can they be saved?

No, they can not.

But can they save themselves?

Alas, I have seen all the beings and creatures in this universe and the delusion of the Spud is so utterly complete that even the Buddha cannot save them.

Are they as deluded as David Icke and his twelve-foot tall reptile Jewish overlords ruling the world?

They are more deluded than David Icke. They are the most deluded fuckers on the planet. Well…them and those #ITK twats. They are both truly fucked.

Master, all is clear to me. I believe I now understand.

Up The Arsenal, my son.

Up The Arsenal, master.