Explaining Arsenal’s Transfer Dealings

Explaining Arsenal’s Transfer Dealings

Ivan Gazidis released the following statement to explain Arsenal’s transfer strategy thus far in the window:

“Kkjzsvjh  l  Suarez jhf  uhhf  sfhf Higuain woqolhf aw uwe awou we ru iuaw Fabregas wilu Manchester United igaw uiw gia uiawe ier ise ks we a aui ui welf awe aw , ,s m, uw uuise uie d ,w fe gawig rseru, gw I raywe rgey raw rtwr wr ysei iw ruiw il Higuain rtwkr tw rwei w triwe ruiwer wtr  wrweruil w Gustavo uiwerert ywet yuyuwer t yweiu yuwewer uiweqw uiqy vjhn awi yr ilwshrv law oufgse mf awui gus uiwer iulwerbv if isgi f uiseiv uis uh uise uvnebvuers uif ib uhuhr yhshuwoufsw uuw  uw ;u wuwerruiwyuh ;uawuiofrweril y awf uiwwrwui wuiyuwuiryuwyuwui weyu we wu yu ry wluilwery.

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Actually, Ivan had requested Arsene to find 1,000 chimps and typewriters so that one of them would eventually come up with a plausible explanation for Arsenal’s transfer window strategy.  Arsene was moving cautiously on the monkey front, and had only hired two chimps at this point, one French monkey with a dodgy wrist and questionable attitude from a second rate zoo and had matched him with a rusty typewriter on Craig’s List. The second monkey was a Columbian chimp who apparently hadn’t had all his shots and was now on his way back to where he came from after only a few hours of typing. This was a shame as he was the one who showed the most promise – as you can see from his insightful work above.

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Ivan stormed into Arsene’s office: “Jesus, Arsene. Please. For the love of God, hire me some fucking monkeys! So what is it Arsene? What is it this time? You are not finding value in the monkey market? You will only buy Top, Top Quality monkeys? You will only hire monkeys that are better than the monkeys we don’t have?  Well, Arsene? Well? What is it? What is it this time? Why won’t you even hire me some fucking monkeys to help me explain the players you won’t fucking sign?”

Arsene sat for some time without speaking. He sipped slowly on his Evian bottle and then finally and calmly replied with French disdain: “Slowly, slowly, hirey monkey.”

Ivan’s shoulders slumped noticeably lower as he turned, walked out the door and down the corridor, mumbling to himself:  “Bloody marvelous. Bloody, fucking marvelous. Thanks Arsene, you jammy, jammy bastard.”