MunchArsène By Proxy

Arsenal Injury Crisis Update – Culprit Discovered

It is set to be another season of frustration for Arsenal supporters. However, we can only hope this bitter brew we now sip will shortly have a half a pound of saccharine dumped into it courtesy of a nice shiny FA Cup, God willing.

But, we Gooners aren’t waiting till the end of the season to start giving our final opinions. Sure, it is conventional to wait until the body is dead to start the autopsy but not when it’s us Gooners doing the dissection. Nope. We’re jogging alongside the ambulance, scalpel in one hand and a laptop for completing the Belorussian Medical Coroner’s online exam in the other.

However unqualified we may be, we do our best to assess how we went from leading the league for almost 130 days during the season to fighting off Everton for 4^th. How indeed?!

And it doesn’t take Agatha Christie glaring accusingly around the conservatory to identify the chief suspect for the murder of Arsenal’s season. “It was… General Injuries what done them all in.”

This season has been as bloody as Kill Bill 1 plus 2: Theo’s Knee; Ox’s knee; the faulty musculature of Ramsey and then Ozil; then Ramsey again; Jack’s foot (the good one); Poldi’s hammy missed him half a season; Cazorla took forever till he got a few games with Ozil before handing him over the injury baton; now Koscielny is gone; our left backs come and go; and on, and on.

The human foot and ankle contains 26 bones, 33 joints and more than a hundred muscles, tendons, and ligaments. That’s 159 things that can go wrong. Per foot. And Jack has only done in 2 or 3 of them so far? Gulp..

But maybe every team in the league has the same struggles. Maybe we’re just whiney.

Err… Exhibit A, m’Lud:

And just wait till the summertime when the World Cup teams of Spain, England and France start mailing back pieces of Santi, Koscielny, Jack, Ox…

We’ve heard every theory under the sun as to why Arsenal has a trail of injuries to rival the decimation of Napoleon’s armies retreating through the snows of the Russian winter. In fact, in all fairness, Napoleon may have gotten off light.

But when it comes to identifying the cause of all these injuries, I’m sorry, I just don’t buy that a manager as smart as Wenger – a pioneer in the use of scientific methods and the man who had the vision for Colney – isn’t employing best practices for fitness and medical practices. It would make no sense, even for a man of half Arsene’s intelligence..

And so, this leaves me and Agatha with only one other possible culprit. Dun, dun, dun, dun…”It was the Baron who done it!” Baron von Munchausen, that is.

Yes, Wenger is suffering from MunchArsène by Proxy.

Ridiculous, you say? Well, hold your horses there. Just read the description of this pernicious illness:

“This syndrome almost always involves a parent seeking unneeded medical attention for the child. Faking symptoms of illness, falsifying fevers, secretly giving drugs to make the child throw up or have diarrhea, or using other tricks to make the child appear or become ill…often hospitalized with groups of symptoms that don’t quite fit any known disease, suffering through unnecessary tests, surgeries, or other uncomfortable procedures.”

Remind you of anyone? Or any players? I thought so.

Let’s read on:

“The parent is usually very helpful in the hospital setting and is often appreciated by the nursing staff for the care she gives her child…seen as devoted and self-sacrificing…changes in the condition are almost never witnessed by hospital staff and almost always occur only in the parent’s presence.”

He will be out for 3 weeks. Or forever.

“Munchausen syndrome occurs because of psychological problems in the adult, and is generally an attention-seeking behavior. The syndrome can be life-threatening.”

Run for your life, Abou Diaby.

Suddenly it’s all so clear…