Manchester City Scouting Report

Manchester City Scouting Report

I’ve done a scouting report on Manchester City in preparation for the match this weekend at the Etihad.

I’ve looked at form, roster and key players and have some thoughts on how we should best set up against them.

Form: So, basically, City are fucking good. From what I can see, they win the league almost every year these days, including last year, and when they don’t, they come second.

Roster: They spend a boat load of money on “worldie” players and they have two of them for each position. So, that’s not good.

Key Players: Also, for key players they have that absolute bruiser, Yaya Toure. He’s fucking huuuuge. AND fast. Our best chance with this fella is if they’ve forgotten to get him a Christmas presie and he’s throwing a strop. (Good news. One of my sources tells me he’s gone off to Africa on a major strop.)

And they’ve got that David Silva who’s really good and clever but he looks slightly odd. Like a young Paul Daniels. But, not sure how we use that to our advantage yet.

They have that cun’, Aguero. (Even they call him that. So he must be a right little bollix.) Hopefully he’s injured. He usually is. Which would be great cos he’s brilliant. Unfortunately, they’ve got about 3 or 4 other brilliant strikers including that Wilfried Bony (he isn’t Bony at all. He’s a lard ass.) They just sploodged 30m on that fat fucker. But he can move. Ever seen those fat bastards who can really move? I don’t know how they do it. But there’s a few of ‘em out there, aren’t there? Imagine how fast he’d be if he wasn’t such a fat bastard.

Tactics: Tactically, City are really good and beat almost every team they face. But they’re not a bunch of bus-parkers, like that Mourinho wanker. God, I fucking hate that cun’.

So it should be a good open game which will suit us. We need to score first or we’re probably fucked. So, if I’m the gaffer, that’s my team talk: “Relax, lads. Enjoy yourselves. You haven’t beaten a Top 3 team for 9 years but relax. And make sure you get the first goal or we’re fucked as usual.”

So, I’d send out a really attacking team for the first 15 minutes to make sure we get the first goal: Giroud, Alexis, Ox, Santi, Rosicky, Ozil, Welbeck, Walcott (and some defenders and a keeper.) Those last few may not be fit but I’d give them a kick up the arse and send them out any way. George Graham would have. And they’re more use than Flamini and Per.

Then after we go a goal up in the first 15 minutes, I’d get the ones who are playing crap, off, and get some more defenders on. Will Wenger do this? Course not. Never subs till 70 minutes, if at all.

Anyway, that’s my report. With a bit of luck it’ll get on the dot com instead of that suck up, Michael Cox. And maybe Bouldie will have a read and bring it into the team meeting. Fingers crossed. Up The Arsenal!