50 Shades of Blue. Starring John Terry.


MATURE RATING: First off, here is a warning before you read this blog. It is rude, crude, lewd and offensive. You have been warned. This was NOT a joke. You have been warned again!

I had just read a piece on John Terry’s lame non-apology which included a note on Chelsea’s so much lamer “punishment”:

“After careful consideration, I have decided not to appeal against the FA judgment,” Terry said. “My response was below the level expected by Chelsea Football Club, and by me, and it will not happen again.”

Chelsea wouldn’t reveal what sanctions the club had taken against Terry, saying the “confidential” disciplinary action is “in accordance with our long-standing policy.”

So…no extra doughnut at the coffee break for JT tomorrow, then.

Then, there I was, minding my own business when this tweet pops up on my TL:

It makes you think, what would it take for Chelsea to see themselves in the mirror as they are?

Then I saw this tweet:

This made me chuckle.

Unfortunately, I took that as a challenge, and with considerable assistance from @Jagsy10, I began to imagine a number of scenarios which might lead to the Chelsea hierarchy censuring John Terry properly.

Okay, then…

1.  John Terry sodomizes Roman Abramovich.

In response to this, Chelsea football club announce that no punishment will be forthcoming.

OK. Apparently I was not even close. Time to seriously ratchet up the scenario:

2. John Terry sodomizes Roman Abramovich, in front of the Pope, on live TV, in front of a worldwide audience, while singing God Save The Queen.

In response to this, JT is reportedly to be mildly disciplined privately by the club.

Right then, let’s ratchet it up another notch.

3. John Terry sodomizes Roman Abramovich in front of the Pope, on live TV, in front of a worldwide audience, while singing God Save The Queen, and with his free hands, he shafts Roman Abramovich’s granny with a crucifix.

In response to this, JT is reportedly to be mildly disciplined privately by the club.

4. John Terry sodomizes Roman Abramovich in front of the Pope, on live TV, in front of a worldwide audience, while singing God Save The Queen. With one of his free hands, he shafts Roman Abramovich’s granny with a crucifix. And with his other free hand, just as he reaches orgasm, he shoots the last surviving Bengal Tiger on our planet through the brains with a Magnum 97.

In response to this, JT is reportedly to be mildly disciplined privately by the club.

Say what now?! That wasn’t bad enough?! Buggar me, right then, here we go…

5. John Terry sodomizes Roman Abramovich in front of the Pope, on live TV, in front of a worldwide audience, while singing God Save The Queen. With one of his free hands, he shafts Roman Abramovich’s granny with a crucifix. And with his other free hand, just as he reaches orgasm, he shoots the last surviving Bengal Tiger on our planet through the brains with a Magnum 97. And with his other pair of free hands, he forces Nelson Mandela into a state of unconsciousness through erotic asphyxiation whilst accidentally over-dosing Michael Jackson with Propofol before stabbing OJ’s ex-wife 37 times, and with his free foot grips a crayon between his toes to sketch a photo-realistic cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed.

Wow! Well, that escalated quickly.

In response to this, Chelsea Football Club have said they will look into the matter at the end of the season but that their captain retains their full confidence.

As a result of this Chelsea FC announcement, I was able to share the following with the rest of the assembled cast… “Phew, ok, listen up everybody! I have an announcement to make. Thank you all for your patience. Fortunately, your services will NOT be required today! So, could the penguins, nuns, Mother Teresa, The Serbian FA, the camel, Mr. Hobo Drifter, Bambi, Moses, Clint Eastwood, Cecil B. DeMille and the 5,000 extras from The Ten Commandments all head home now as we finally have a result. It’s a wrap!”

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