Arsenal Supporters In The Dock For Attempted Euthanasia

Arsenal Supporters In The Dock For Attempted Euthanasia

Arsenal’s supporters are due in court today at the Old Bailey to face charges of attempted euthanasia.

Alfred Snodgrass, a 71 year old lifelong Gooner  had named his fellow Arsenal supporters as the executor of his living will. The will included stipulations on what to do in case of coma or incapacitating and debilitating injuries. Some excerpts of the Living Will were made known before the trial, including:

“Life Support should be switched off in the case that:

Situation #4: Patient is breathing on his own, is unconscious and unable to communicate and with no muscular function.

Situation #5: Functioning liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no central nervous system.

The Living Will goes on to list cases where the Life Support should be left on

Situation #16: One lung, blind and eating through a tube.

Situation #17: Can eat. But machines do everything else.

Situation #18: Any scenario in which the patient can maintain an erection”

So, in October of 2011, Mr. Snodgrass who was on his way to the local corner shop was taken by surprise when an ambulance pulled up beside him. Two men wearing medical gear proceeded to grab him and drag him into the back of the ambulance. The Emergency Medical Team explained to the Gooner pensioner, Mr. Snodgrass, that he was being pro-actively collected for timely euthanasia. “But I’ve paid my telly license fee,” a somewhat confused Snodgrass replied.

It transpired that the decision to instigate euthanasia  proceedings was taken following recent reactions from fellow Gooners which indicated that Snodgrass had looked decidedly wobbly only the week before after running for, but missing, the 49B bus to Bishops Itchington, one of a series of such incidents this year.

To be fair, Arsenal supporters in general seemed to have lost belief that Snodgrass had long left to go. Many had written him off as being past it and on his way out. There was a general assumption among Gooners that Snodgrass must be on a downward slope and that there was little point in dragging things out.

However, it was apparent that the hospital medical team had also somewhat underestimated Mr. Snodgrass’s vitality. Having had to explain repeatedly the purpose of this hospital visit to the incredulous patient while he was pinned to his hospital bed by two nurses, the staff were caught completely off-guard when Snodgrass then grabbed his doctor by the testicles who was in the process of attempting to apply a gas mask to the patient’s face. Snodgrass then rolled off the bed, landed on his feet, body swerved a nurse and shoved two orderlies out of his way as he grabbed a trolley and scooted down the corridor, crashing through the swinging doors before lowering his shoulder into a security guard’s midriff and sprinting up the road to make his getaway by jumping on a bus which was just starting to pull away.

Interviewed afterwards, the 2 orderlies and the security guard volunteered sheepishly, “we didn’t see it coming, to be honest. He took us by surprise,  suckered-punched us, if you will. Old people can be very, very sneaky like that. To be fair, we had been told he hadn’t got long to go but you wouldn’t have known it from his turn and acceleration over the first 5 yards. It was deadly, no pun intended.” “Spot on,” piped up the security guard, “plus he had a low centre of gravity, a tricky swerve and a good head-fake on him.”

Interviewed recently outside his home, Mr. Snodgrass himself explained, “I thought it was only fair to my family and friends to set up a Living Will. You know, just in case. The solicitor suggested I select as an executor the person or people I trust the most and who are most loyal to me, and of course I thought of my fellow Arsenal supporters.”

A journalist asked: “ Aren’t you disappointed in your fellow Gooners, Mr. Snodgrass?”

The pensioner replied without a hint of irony: “There’s no one more loyal than us Gooners! But we jump the gun a little bit sometimes. We need to have a little more faith in ourselves, a little more belief and a bit of patience. And these younger Gooners should remember, you learn some things with experience, and they need to remember that. We keep learning. And I’ve got more good days left in me.”

“Anyway, if you nice lads could get your cameras and recorders off my lawn, I’ve got a load of weeding to get done before I head off to the bingo.”

Author's Message: If you are dissatisfied with where we are at right now, I feel your pain.  If you think Arsene is not capable of turning this around, I believe you have under-estimated the man.