“Valjean To Arsenal:” Ben Fairthorne – ITK to the world.

Confidential: For THE EYES of Ben Fairthorne ONLY:

Ben, I have been desperately trying to get hold of you. I have some ITK information and I wanted to get it into your safe hands before it gets “stale” and the “Lamestream” media get their hands on it.

I have been calling your cell phone and you’re not answering. I guess that must mean you’re at Arsenal today, negotiating, or that I just made that up. Whatever.

So here it is. It’s really big. REALLY big! Hang on to your whatsits. Here it comes…

My mate, Jimmy, is a waiter at Le Bouchon, the fancy French restaurant. Actually, he just got the job on Monday (and was fired by Tuesday, fyi.) Also, now that I think of it, he’s not really much of a mate. He’s more of Sammy’s mate, and they’re both dicks, if you know what I mean. But, everyone calls everyone their mate, so I guess he’s my mate.

Anyway, he was working his first night at Le Bouchon when who should come in and sit in his section? Only Arsene Effing Wenger and his wife! On Jimmy’s first night!!! He didn’t even know the menu properly. But Jimmy’s a bluffer, if you know what I mean. A good poker player. That is until you realize that he is bluffing on every bloody hand.

Anyway, so while he’s taking care of their table Arsene starts talking about players he is mad keen on, and one or two in particular that he personally has been tracking.

Now it’s a bit garbled and I suspect one or two of the players mentioned might actually be dishes on the menu, but the main stuff seems solid.

So apparently Arsene has been tracking a group of players from the French League, in particular Javert and Valjean. Javert is a hard bastard (might be a DM type by the sound of it.) Valjean on the other hand is apparently “the star” and is as strong as an ox, but not much history till recently (just like Giroud!)

Now, I jumped on Wikipedia quickly and couldn’t find anything under Ligue 1, so they might be lower division players. Ligue 2 maybe. Aaargh! Bloody typical Arsene!

I guarantee you we have another Gervinho/Hazard situation on our hands here. We’ll get Gervinho while Chelsea get Hazard!!

Anyway, apparently Valjean has had a boat full of silverware in the past, and was desperate for it. So that’s promising.

And apparently, Arsene has been to see Valjean perform 3 times over the Christmas, so that tells you all you need to know there! And the last time he saw him perform, he said he had tears in his eyes. He described it as: “Sublime, tender and vulnerable.” Oh dear, I think Arsene has lost the plot big time. And that could be the biggest news of all!

Yes, Arsene is after another obscure Frenchie, but this time Arsene is clearly starting to lose his marbles. In fact, it didn’t sound like Arsene was having anyone else scout him, just Arsene and the wife. It’s starting to explain a few of his most recent signings, in my books.

Anyway, it was a whirlwind of info. Arsene and the missus were yapping away while Jimmy was trying to get their order so it all became a bit of a mish mash. We will have to sort out what was food and who was a player later, but here were his other notes:

Fantine: bit of a Prima Donna by the sounds of it. Apparently never lasts past the 45 minute mark. Sounded like he was very injury prone.

Closette: sounds like another “precocious” young talent. Spare us, Arsene. We need players who are ready to contribute.

Baron Cohen and Bonham Carter: could you credit that? Sounds like something Arsenal Gent would make up! But apparently they’re both mischievous and tricky. Left and right wingers, perhaps?

Then there was Coqauvin. Must mean Coquelin? And Crepes Suzette. That last one doesn’t sound like he’s going to cut it in the Prem!

And the coach of the team was some Frenchie named Victor Hugo. Name rings a bell. Did he play for the French in the ’86 Euros?

Jimmy reckoned the name of the team was Les Miz or Mitz or something. Nearest I could find online was Lens or Metz or Le Mans. I’ll run those names past Jimmy again later.

Anyway, Ben, you’re the only ITK I trust. The others just make shit up. They just bare-faced pull shit out of their arse. So, get hold of your inside man and see what you can confirm so we can get this sacred information out to the faithful that you so self-sacrificingly serve. You do the Lord’s work, Ben. Godspeed!