Olivier Giroud’s Tragic Loss
Olivier Giroud’s Tragic Loss
I have really come to love our Olivier. He has a great heart matched by his appetite to play for the team. And I think he’s going to turn into something special. But my feeling has only grown deeper upon hearing how he has overcome tragedy in his youth, more so because I went through the same tragedy myself. Olivier recently gave an interview to l’Equipe in which he shared the story of how he lost his childhood sweetheart:
Giroud: “We were very young, Claudette and I. We were 16 and very much in love. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We spent all our time together. In school, after school, at the weekends. It was the sweetest time of my life. Until the accident. To find her there like that, lying beside me, all bloodied. It was awful. And to know it was at my own hands.”
“The events are painful to tell. When I found out that I was not the only person this had happened to, I had to speak out, to make everyone aware.”
“I had always suffered from large erections. One night as we lay in each others’ arms, we fell asleep. We had dined on seafood, Coquilles Saint Jacques, I believe, and my stomach was upset. As I dreamt, I was obviously perturbed. I twisted and turned throughout the night. As men often do, I experienced what doctors call a Nocturnal Penile Tumescence, or an erection while sleeping. Tragically while I twisted and turned, my long erect penis flailed back and forth, back and forth, again and again, with a violent whipping action, dashing my lover’s brains out on the pillow next to me, relentlessly, ceaselessly. It was harrowing to find her next to me like that, when I awoke after what turned out to be quite a good sleep. No one should have to go through this.”
Interviewed for this story, Claudette’s mother said simply: “We were very said to lose Claudette. But it’s how she would have wanted to go.”
Olivier was also fortunate to escape manslaughter charges. The prosection’s case floundered on the fact that the police were unable to locate a murder weapon. The perfect crime, you say? Well, for some of us.
The angular momentum of the penis as it struck Claudette’s cranium could be calculated as:
where r is the position vector of the head of Olivier’s penis, p is the linear momentum of the penis head, and × denotes the cross product. Dear God, the poor girl never stood a chance.
Believe me though, the real victim is the survivor left behind. It is a terrible way to lose a lover. I’ve lost two so far. Two and counting. Still, it’s probably not as painful for the survivor as, say, getting dumped. I’ve experienced both, and getting dumped is a real mother. But maybe that’s just me. I’m sensitive like that.
Anyway, spread the word. Tomorrow is Nocturnal Penile Tumescence Laceration Day worldwide.
OMG Poz Man how do you come up with this stuff???!!! I could never get bored reading and it is NEVER dull! Can’t wait for the next installment!!
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
i was about to comment on how ridiculously foul and vulgar that post was, and that it was totally inappropriate for an arsenal blog.
then i remembered your blog name
As Abraham Lincoln once said, “You can please all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time…”
This is my first time at your blog…needless to say, I thought this story was real until the “I have always suffered from large erections” line. Then I was like…”what thaaaa???”
hahaha. Too funny.
Thank you so much.
Poznan you’re the most creative football blogger I’ve ever read (is that even the correct expression?). Keep it up and I’ll keep enjoying 🙂
Oh dear, it sounds something in oliver’s pants…similar to ur blog name.
How can you make us cry when we are laughing, ha? :p Loved it lool
Hilarious stuff, thank you.
My girlfriend was not impressed when I tried to tell her the joke though lol
I was checking e.mails and had to look twice!! So funny, I adore Mr. Giroud so you put a smile on my face before I go to work. Try your wit over another person with BIG FEET a la Mr. Per Mertersacker next time please. Let’s hope no big injuries with the national side!!
Sorry Paul, i’ll start again….. You are clearly
Enjoying keeping us on the edge of our seats.
Can’t wait for the next instalment… Keep taking the pills… 😃👍
As a fellow sufferer, I must take time to applaud your efforts in bringing this dreadful yet relatively common tragedy to the attention of a wider audience. The dangers that us “shock cock” fellas face on a nightly basis can no longer be safely ignored.
I myself have had to go on the run after one terrible night in Paris in 2006. In an effort to forget poor Manuel’s fumblings that destroyed my hopes of Gunner glory that night, I decided to gorge myself on some dodgy french cheese. As you can imagine this lead to a disturbed night of almost unparalleled horror. In the morning I awoke to find that my nocturnal agitation had taken out 3 friends, a french courtesan, a stray cat that we had taken pity on, and a young french maid whose only mistake was to bring some croissants to our room at Breakfast time.
As you can imagine, it has taken years of therapy to overcome what happened that night. Well that and the porn industry, thankfully a safe haven for my more destructive restlessness. I am one of the lucky ones. Not everyone has Dirty Delia to turn to when the cheese takes a grip.
Thank you again.
Fucking hilarious, mate!!
That was quite the killing spree you went on there.
Didn’t they make that into a Movie with Liam Neeson.
Low budget Action movie with Dudley Moore and Hattie Jacques called “Killer Cheese” mate. Didn’t make me rich, sadly.
Hahahahaha, this made my day! Thank you!!
How original and how like you, Poznan. But it’s how she would have wanted to go. ha ha ha.
You should be applauded for trying to bring this serious medical problem to wider attention. I also appreciate your adherence to scientific rigour with the inclusion of the diagram.
Thx FG. I’d had it sketched out in my head for a while, but yesterday the “But it’s how she would have wanted to go.” line came to me, so i went for it.
Hilarious comment btw!
its great that someone has spoken of this problem.. my parents thought i was possessed by the devil when it started happening to me, so much so that i got sellotped by the bollock’s to the tabernacle in our local church while i got erections for 4 weeks during 4 masses every Sunday now at least others won’t have to suffer the same embaressment as me
The secret is well and truly out about Jack now. Damn.
Yeah, that plan worked great. On to my next plan.
ahahahah im dying….
this and the photos of the apaches resembling the arsenal attack are just killing me… you definately speak our language
Thanks, glad you’re njoying!
Has to be your best work since the Man C-Ars game with the apache photos! I mean this as no disrespect t other posts tho. I live in India and i can truly say that madness has no borders as this blog as so succintly proved. Keep it up P.I.M.P (see what i ddi there?)
Lol. I DO see what you did. Thanks for following. At end of the day, I just blog the next buring thought that pops up. Good or bad.
This is not as bad a way to go as Nocturnal Penile Tumescence with te partner suffering from Sleep Apnea, resulting in continous snoring; as an outcome, there is a risk of discharge which may cause Aspiration Pneumonia, resulting in a slow but unavoidable death due to hypoxia.
PIMP, your blog is irreverent and brilliant. Keep them coming.