In the land of the blogger, the one-eyed, banjo-picking blog-reader is king.
In the land of the blogger, the one-eyed banjo-picking blog-reader is king.
It’s a funny old business, blogging. I spend at least half my time swearing I’m going to give it up or declaring the next will be my last. I suspect many bloggers suffer this same blogxistential angst. It’s just that there’s just so gosh darn many of them now. So. Many. Bloggers. Or more correctly, so many of “us.” It’s like Britain’s Got Talent: Which actually seems to have as a hidden mission to demonstrate just how quickly the talent-levels drop. Oh great, Season XXIV. And another 12 stars you’d never heard of yesterday are foisted upon us. Stack ’em with the others. Another 3 seasons and they’ll have enough new stars to put one on every sofa in Britain, right next to you in your own living room.
To put in the effort to write your next blog, you have to think you’ve got something to say worth saying and something that other people haven’t said before. Otherwise, you know, what’s the point? But it gets harder and harder to convince yourself that there’s much of a gap left in the ground covered by every other bloody blogger. It leads to an ill-defined malaise, an ennui, a…non-specific blogrectile dysfunction. And unlike actual erectile dysfunction, taking your willy out and whacking it off the TV, table, chairs and all the furniture (and Mrs Figgis who happened to walk past your open front window at an inopportune moment) doesn’t eventually lead to the requisite surge in your blogging loins.
This tweet tells it all. 113 articles from Squawka on AFC & MUFC on a Tuesday when we don’t have a match for another 5 days: Commited. Eye-opening. Shite.
I am like Buridan’s Donkey. (No! Not for the reasons you think, though that would also bear comparison, I can tell you. No worries in that department!) No, Buridan’s Donkey, the donkey who starves to death because he sees two carrots equidistant from himself and can’t choose one over the other. I’ve always had contempt for that donkey slowly starving to death. What a wally. Or so I thought to myself. “Just pick one, you eejit! Either one. It really doesn’t matter! You’re starving. Eat a feckin’ carrot!”
That donkey deserves to die. Basic evolutionary theory. If not, we’re going to raise a race of super-moron donkeys. Eventually they won’t be able to choose between one carrot equidistant from itself.
This is why I actually think people should continue to read LeGrove’s blog. Yes, he’s a self-contradicting, pompous twat with a tiresome, grinding agenda, the Bill O’Reilly of this backwater, but if we wipe him out then someone who can actually make a cogent, non-contradictory, anti-Wenger case might rise up in his place.
So, let’s encourage the Moron-Magnet to keep at it, for the sake of us all, lest something more horrible crawls out of the sewer to take his place. And so I say to you, Sir: “Blog on, good Pedro. Blog on.” Fill the void. You do the club great service indeed.
And yet…here I am stuck in the equidistance between writing another blog and never ever writing another blog again. I am Donkified. The forces pulling on me in opposite directions are perfectly balanced. I try to feint, to sway to one side but find the forces and their point of application move perfectly in sync with me.
I am torn, rent in twain. Paralyzed and suspended in equal measure. Perfectly balanced…to the point that something miraculous happens…This precise equilibrium suddenly pops me into a parallel universe. Yes, incredible as it may seem, I am writing this from another dimension. I know! I was surprised too, I can tell you.
This new universe, I soon discover, is much like our own but…it is one of low technology, perhaps even of no technology. No internet, no smartphones, no ipads, no computers. But wait… that also means no blogging and no blogs!!! Woohoo! I am free, free at last. And so are you! And if someone even mentions a protocol for connecting the world in a web-like information network, I will hunt that bastard down like a dog and shoot him through the freakin’ head. I will shoot him with a rock, as we may not have invented guns here yet.
And the even better news…I’m an Arsenal supporter here too! And I’m on the way to a match at the Emirates. It’s going to be great. No blogs. We’ll just chat about the game before and after in the pubs, like it’s supposed to be. Proper supporters. Real supporters.
So there we all are walking along towards the stadium, havin’ a bit of craic, in great form. Along the road from the tube station we pass a park, a park filled with some Gooners.
And match after match, I notice this park on the way. And each time, I see more and more Gooners gathering there each match-day. I enquire as to what this place is.
“It’s Bloggers Corner.” It’s where the bloggers go to preach, to stand on boxes, and advocate their views and opinions, insights and observations.
So there are bloggers here too? Balls!! I was wrong after all. My heart sinks. Of course I was wrong: Just as cockroaches will not only survive a nuclear holocaust but thrive, so the blogger crawls out from under every rock in this universe.
And this Bloggers’ Corner kinda makes sense. There’s no internet and stuff so you write up your precious blog on a piece of paper and take it over to Bloggers’ Corner. And maybe even hand out a copy or two.
But even here a strange yet familiar phenomenon had been occuring. Over time the number of bloggers on pedestals seemed to swell as the number of listeners seemed to dwindle.
Sure enough, it was only a matter of time before someone implored me: “You should write a blog.” But I’d just arrived. I know nothing about the team, the league or football tactics. I know fuck all. “Don’t let that hold you back. None of them feckers did.”
But still my attention is drawn time and time again to a curious, mutant-looking, one-eyed banjo-picker sitting off in a far corner of the park. Finally, I ask a companion: “Who’s that grotesque creature over there, playing a banjo?”
“Shhh,” he replies in hushed tones. “He…he does not have a name.”
Despite his reticence, I pursued the matter: “Why do you hold a nameless, one-eyed gimp playing a banjo, and that eye being smack dab in the center of his face, in such reverence? Is he a blogger? That’s it, of course. He must be a blogger. Perhaps he is an idiot savant-blogger. A Rainman blogger?”
“No. You don’t understand,” my companion replies. “He is HIM, “HE WHO READS.””
“It is rumoured that he is “HIM” – HE who occasionally reads someone’s blog.
I let out an audible gasp. “You say…” my voiced tremored at the words. “You say he reads…blogs?” I could scarcely believe the audacity of my own question.
“Yes. THAT is what they say. They say that he does not read quickly. They say that he does not read well. They say that he does not comprehend what he reads. But they do say that he does occasionally read a blog.”
I gasped again.
As the banjo gimp stood up and walked across the park, my friend fell prostrate on the ground, grabbing handfuls of dirt and rubbing them into his hair. I fell down beside him and commenced to do the same. From all around a murmur grew louder and louder, a chant by all bloggers who now also lay prostrate with us:
“In the land of the blogger, the one-eyed blog-reader is king.
In the land of the blogger, the one-eyed blog-reader is king.”
I thought to myself, “this would make an interesting blog,” an idea simultaneously arrived at by every other prostrate blogger for a mile around.
Good job son.
what an absolute load of shite
Without comments like this, I wouldnt find the strength to go on.
ha ha! Great riposte.
Ignore Tyler – you’re always original, intelligent and amusing, PIMP. (I still feel bad writing that acronym.) I really enjoy the Arsenal Vision post match podcast, so definitely keep that up, please.
Imagine being sad enough to write such shit.
Could Tyler be the one-eyed man? Or maybe just distressed at the thought that it is more than just a Poznan in your pants?
The banjo boy character is based on an amalgam of people rather than one in particular. But it is mostly based on Tyler.
Tyler don’t forget your banjo on your way out, there’s a good lad now
An excellent read!
And your 2nd commenter is the king about which you just wrote. What are the odds right?
It’s just perfect.
Brilliant read mate. I particularly enjoyed the reference to LeGrove. Started to come to this conclusion recently myself.
Blogging is becoming more about techniques to position yourself on Social and raising your profile than it is about the actual content and sticking to a style, personality and viewpoint that a section can appreciate. Not about covering all bases, swapping your perspective and beliefs to align with media reaction to maximise hits.
Had a laugh reading this though, keep it going.
*puts down monocle and tunes banjo*
Haha. Thanks, mate. Apparently wasn’t everyone’s cuppa. Fuck ’em.
Perhaps it’s dangerous to take this too seriously, but I would be most sad if you stopped. There are (actually very few) blogs that come out quite frequently that I read most of the time. From these I get sensible & mostly positive Arsenal comment. Yours, I look forward to and read as soon as I am notified, because it’s always so well written, left-field, and FUNNY.
However nothing you say will get me to read LeGrove, even though your argument is so deeply cogent (sorry – that just came out that way). No, actually, it’s bollocks!
Cheers, matey. Really appreciate the support. I will keep plugging away. Probably be blogging till my death bed seeing had badly I “retired.”
Pimp, an absolutely great article. The reference to ‘that’ blog and ‘that’ blogger was so true. It doesn’t matter what day, week or year you read his crap, it is identical. For an Arenal fan, he sure gets a lot of basics wrong – including the day of games and whether home or away. This leads me to the conclusion that he isn’t the great fan he tries to pretend he is. This then leads to another conclusion; why does he blog every day? It has to be ego, publicity and ambition.
If you dangled three carrots in front of that clown, not only would he be unable to decide what one to eat, he would lie about the number on offer. His band of 20 regular followers, who appear to have endless time during the day to post the same comment they posted the day before, the week before that, the month before that and the year before that. While holding their manhood in a tightly clenched fist and typing with one handed. No doubt if said blogger owned a donkey, it would be called Ass Wenger. The blogger ‘wood’ be found in a darkened corner beating it mercilessly. Should said donkey incur an injury through such beatings, the is would be Ass Wengers own fault bought on by poor diet and training methods. Should the donkey instantly choose a carrot, ignoring the rest then this would be because the other carrots we’re imply no good.
The donkey bonker is alive and kicking and making an ass out of himself. Every day.
Hes sloppy. Hes not that bright. Hes basically a “marketing guy.” In life and on social media. So he doesnt really care about whether its true or not. Just whether its a good story and whether he sounds smart. Whatever sells.
From someone that knows him and actually gets to chat with him about it….you couldn’t be more wrong. But that’s what blogging is about isn’t it….having an opinion. And you put yourself and your opinions out there to be critiqued. At the end of the day, we all support the same club, just have different views of how that club should move forward.
Keep up the blogging!
Fair enough, Tom. Thanks for the reasonable comment.
And thanks for the great feedback
You are welcome ‘PIMP’, glad I found your site. I have not laughed so much since I viewed a parady account for said blogger. Love it, keep up the good work mate you represent the silent majority fed up with the daily assault on our great club.
Cheers, mate. Glad to have you aboard.
i really enjoyed the initial poignantly existential part of your blog.
Also, the fact that you compare Le Grovel to Bill O’Reilly is really hilarious and accurate.
In fact, Le Grovel’s hypothetical podcast could be easily compared as Rush Limbaugh’s.
And, akin to “flush Rush” we could have a saying about “shove Le Grove” or something…
But, there are many readers who come to your site, and you probably have such data.
So, here I am, an amblyopic reader who is addicted to the prose of select AFC blogs.
And, despite my amblyopia,, my profession dictates that i must have eye insurance.
So, I do have a good eye (pun intended) and I rate your blog as the best AFC blog.
Another very important issue you are well aware of is the quality of the readership.
Le Grovel attracts tons of disgruntled Gooners who do not see the big picture.
You, and a few select bloggers, do not write for such a category of people.
In addition, wit and erudition is extremely uncommon, to say the least.
So, please do not stop; your dry spell had me quite worried.
Very best regards and happy holidays!
I just noticed that i am the third (or fourth, if illuminati happens to be a regular) untold arsenal follower to comment on this particular thread, after bootoomee and proudkev.
And Ray, your comments are always masterpieces in themselves.
If you are having a blogging identity crisis let me add my name to what must surely be a quite long list of people that think that of all the “pointless” Arsenal blogs out there, yours is by far the best.
Big thanks, Winston!
Here I am, working past midnight EST. Thank you for your very flattering and kind words.
You may want to hire an “apprentice” to help enliven the blog when you are on vacation.
Or have a Stillman at hand; Stillman is the best writer at Arseblog in my humble opinion.
My writing in English is laden with grammatical errors, as English is my third language.
i considered once translating your threads into French, so the Boss can fast-read them…
But, what do I know? He may be too busy to read blogs, even the best one or best ones.
And, no, AW is not the one-eyed banjo player, more like the three-eyed big concert maestro.
A colossal “merde” (French-style) to conjure lady luck and abjure mugsmashers’ black magic.
So what’s your native language, Ray?
Colloquial Levantine (Syrian-Lebanese) Arabic and French; I was fully bilingual by age three.
I am ashamed of my lack of fluency in classical Arabic, but my dad gave up on teaching me.
As a long-term student in the French Catholic system, French is the language I prefer using.
Overall, twenty-two years of preschool, school, college, and graduate schooling, all in French.
I read exclusively in French, except for professional/medical literature, whereby I use English.
Not enough “merde” in my invocations and we concede to the mugsmashers at the death.
Next time, I will go to church and make sure I pray more fervently. We were so close!
Had a great laugh this morning from ‘that blog’. Not sure if it was Tyler but an equally poorly educated individual appears to have sat up all night posting rant after rant, when nobody else was there. They say the first sign of madness is talking to yourself but this guys got issues. Most of this individuals posts were aggressive but then he came out with this classic “That’s why he (wenger) says judge me in May because he has always got 4th previously, it shows you how weak the EPL really is, this guy goes through seasons with 3/4 of a squad and still gets 4th, the rest are shit”. it’s a nightmare for fans, how can those poofters at untold back this guy, all I can think is Venger has seduced them as well”. Lol.
There is a clear demographic distinction here. It seems that the less intelligent and bigoted you are you more likely it is you will get excited by the blog writers narrative. The fact that name calling, abuse and bad language are all accepted and encouraged, speaks volumes. This is not how to support a football club. This is all about personal ego and deciding to fight for a cause. It’s a bit cult like. (Checked the spelling before I posted – spell checker alert!)
In other words, it’s a cheap blog written by a very clever marketeer who knows how to push the buttons of some pretty ignorant and stupid people and get his clicks. They are not supporters, in the true sense of the word and will never know what it is like to be one.
Haha. Wow, I think I’ll give that a miss. LG is just an “Opinionator.” You get the followers you deserve, I guess.
I get you guys. So I win.