Shhhh! They Think It’s All Over, The Smug Bastards.


Shhhh! They Think It’s All Over, The Smug Bastards. 

We’ve all heard the statistics. Blah, blah, blah…No team has won a Round Of 16 tie after losing the 1st leg since 1887. No team has ever come back from a 3-1 scoreline at home since 311 BC. We get it. We’re right royally fucked.

We have no chance. At best we’ll show up and do a Bayern 2013. Score a couple of Pyrrhic goals in a Pyrrhic Victory. Of course, score just one more…and we win the tie. Doh! Didn’t mean to say that. Damn! Damn! Damn it!

Look, the important thing to recognize is that we have no chance of coming back. No one has ever done it ever. And we’re not the kind of team who could put 3 or 4 goals past a team if we have a good night. So we can forget that right away.

Also, we’ve made life very easy for Monaco. They just need to sit back and defend just like they did at the Emirates and get in at half time without conceding. That will keep their nerves calm. And it’s not like we created many chances when they were parking their bus at the Emirates. So they should be fine. Also, Monaco scored from pretty much all of their chances at the Emirates, so all they need to do is keep that up and they should be golden.

The other factor of course is that we’re notoriously slow starters in recent matches, so it’s not like we could get a goal in the first 30 minutes anyway, no matter how aggressively we attack.

Oh, Ox. If only. If only you hadn’t gone all gung ho after you got us back to 2-1. At that moment, even though we were still behind, we could all see how we could go to Monaco and turn things around. There was not only hope, there was a genuine optimism coming back into the supporters.

But 3-1. That’s 1 more goal than 2-1. So, forget it. It won’t happen. It can’t. That’s an extra goal. And it takes about a minute to score a goal. So we simply won’t have the time if we’re playing great and they shit their pants after we score a couple in the 1st half. Which. We. Won’t.

We are right royally fucked indeed.

But oooh, imagine. Just for a second. That would be a night alright. It would be a night to go down in the record books. A night to keep tucked away with the Away demolition of Inter, 5-1, in the 2003 Champions League. That would be one to shove up all our rivals’ arses. Pointy end first. Man, how they danced on Wednesday at the sight of our misery, the bitter shits.

In 3 weeks time, the wounds will be healing. Ozil, Sanchez & Co will have vengeance on their minds and a point to prove. I don’t know about you, but I think it could be interesting yet. It’s a long shot but..the darker the night, the brighter the stars shine.

Anyway, forget all that. We can’t win. It’s ridiculous. And anyone who thinks we can needs to zip it. Because if any one of their 9,000 fans or should I say those yacht-owning, Cristal-swigging, mankini-wearing, caviar-munchers finds out and gets word to Javier Bardem and his boys to disrupt the deep-seated belief that AS Monaco are already in the Quarter Finals of the Champions League, I will be very, very angry.

So…Shhhh! We ‘ave ‘em right where we want ‘em and they don’t even know it. The smug bastards.

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