Bayern Are Already Fucked and They Don’t Even Know It

This blog was written just before the second leg of Arsenal’s 2-0 victory over the Bavarians in Munich. I’m quite proud of it…

I just listened to Arsene’s ArsenalPlayer interview on Bayern…and I think he’s right. Bayern ARE fucked. (OK, I might be reading slightly more into his intonations than he meant, but…)

We have them right where we want them, those poor bastards.

You know that bit in the movie where the cavalry chase down a group of indians towards the river so that they are trapped for the slaughter. Well that was the 1st leg at the Emirates.


Then as they come over the top of a hill they discover a massive army of Indians lying in wait to slaughter the cavalry. Well, that’s the 2nd leg at the Allianz with the away goals rule lying in wait.


Bull Tipping

Cow Tipping

Ever done any cow tipping? Maybe cows don’t impress you because we are facing Bayern. Well I’ve done a spot of Bull Tipping. Ah, a bit more impressed are you?! Well, you shouldn’t be. It works the same way as cow tipping. The bull is asleep on his feet, you sneak up, and a couple of you push him over. It’s the same as cow tipping (except for the running away like buggery.) That’s basically what we’ll be doing with Bayern. Just look what their players said about us having no chance, and about them being already qualified. The bull is sleeping, my friends. The bull is sleeping. We just need to tip it over.

Away Goals

Our confidence should be soaring based on Tuesday’s results. Schalke, one of the BL powerhouses was dumped out by a small Turkish team that included our ex-jester Eboue as well as that clapped-out Chelsea striker, Drogba, who got run out of China. And needing away goals, they got way more than they needed.

Similarly, Barcelona, regarded as the best team on the continent, used away goals to thrash an unassailable AC Milan.

Generally this away goals thing seems to be a bit of a scam. I don’t fully understand it, but apparently our goals will be worth twice Bayern’s, so we should definitively try to take advantage of this, though it does seem a bit unfair. Seems too good to be true, but that’s what happened with Barca and the Turks on Tuesday. So, apparently, it is true. And teams needing away goals in the 2nd leg always win. This week.

Bayern << Barcelona << Arsenal

Barcelona, who are rated at least as highly as Bayern play a similar style of football as ourselves. They used to be called Arsenal-lite, and as you may remember have been buying our players, no matter how shit, until recently. Now factor in the fact that we have evolved for another couple of years since we last played them and were a Bendtner toe-poke from beating them on away goals and we have made a series of shrewd player purchases and transfers since then and you can see why we should rate ourselves ahead of Barcelona and therefore ahead of Bayern.

Do you need further proof? Recent transfer interest has the boot on the other way foot with both David Villa, their striker!! and Victor Valdes, their goalkeeper!! issuing “Come and GET ME” statements to Arsenal.

We should also take heart from the last match against Bayern, since we heard that going into it, Bayern had allowed only 1 shot on goal in the last 3 Bundesliga matches in total. Yes, let me repeat that. They allowed 1 SHOT on goal. In THREE games. A third of a shot on goal per game. No goals mind you. I heard how awful we were from twitter after the Bayern game. But how did we match up to their Bundesliga opponents? 6 shots on goal. 1 actual goal. And I hear Giroud should have put away a superb cross from Theo with just the keeper to beat which would have made it 2-2. Anywhere but straight at the keeper would have done, said the commentator. Anywhere but at the keeper.

Lord Haw Haw

Lord Haw Haw

So this time around, Bayern have completely bought into the “Wlishere, Podolski, Sagna injuries crisis” disinformation we’ve been sending out. Jack’s Doppelganger in Dubai worked a treat. Rumours of sending the kids and the B-team have taken root. Gooners faked a superb Twitter meltdown yesterday to add a convincing touch.

Arsene Wenger Will Incite Arsenal Fans by Starting Weak Team vs. Bayern Munich - Bleacher Report

The British media patriotically added authentic looking stories. Meanwhile, Wenger is playing Fabianski instead of Szczesny. Brilliant. Fabianski makes completely different kinds of mistakes to Szczesny. That will throw Bayern off completely.  He’s a cute whore, that Arsene, as they say in Dublin. Take that as payback for Lord Haw Haw, Munich! They’ll get a nice little surprise when they see our team sheet.


Through my sources, I hear that this time round we have done extensive scouting/spy work. This has resulted in valuable “Intel” (which is short for Intelligence.) Apparently, their right back, Phileeep Lamb, is not only a decent defender, he also likes to get forward occasionally, so we should try to watch out for that. Knowing this gives us the upper hand. We are, by all accounts, even thinking of playing a Left Back at left back in this tie. (And they say Wenger doesn’t do tactics.)

The Game Plan That Beats Bayern

So really, the plan is brilliantly simple. They think we are going to attack right from the start because Wenger has told them that we will attack right from the start, endlessly for the last few days. So, obviously they actually think we won’t attack. So we will attack.

Phase 1: Attack, attack, attack. First goal wins this because of the away goals rule, which as I said, I don’t really understand. So it’s basically 50/50 who goes through. We go balls out for a goal. Bayern are not going to sit back and defend due to their arrogance so they’ll come at us too. So there it is. 50/50. Let’s assume we can get the first goal. On to phase 2.

Phase 2: We sit back and stay compact with 2 rows of 8. They will now definitely charge onto our cannons since we have a lead with still 70 mins to play. We hit them on the break again and again while keeping our defense impenetrable. Eventually they crack. We score off a corner like the last game. Their keeper isn’t called “Manuel” for nothing. It’s 2-0. Now they really are rattled.

Phase 3: Just like phase 2, we stay compact and look for a 3rd on the break. If we haven’t got it with 15 mins to go till we get that goal. 3-0. In fact, ideally they score a goal too so we can take them to penalties, where we will inevitably triumph.

Phase 4: Extra time: We stay compact and play for penalties.

Phase 5: Penalties

Germans Always Win On Penalties. Brits Always Lose

Playing for penalties?!! Who in their right mind plays for penalties against the Germans? We do. Because we know something they don’t. Germans always win on penalties and we’re going to have more Germans taking penos than they are. They’ll put Robben, Mandžukić and maybe even Martinez into their penalty line-up. Suckers! But we’re going balls out with our Germans: Podolski, Mertesacker and then Eisfeld, Gnabry and Leander Siemann who we brought off the bench just before the end of Extra Time. Yes, there really is a plan to send the kids.

If required for a 6th peno, we will use Rosicky, the Dortmunder from the Sudetenland. But we won’t need him. Because there will have been 5 Germans taking penalties for us before him.

If we need a 7th, we bring on Gedion Zelalem for his debut. If we need an 8th, Jens Lehman is still knocking around as our 5th dtring GK ‘cos no one has the balls to tell that mad bastard he was cut from the squad a few years ago.

And so we go through 5-2 by playing for penalties thanks to away goals. It doesn’t seem fair. Very un-Arsenal. But today we do tactics. Sneaky ones.